The Should Detox: Confessions of a Former “Should-er”

I used to be a huge “should-er.”

I should be better.

My house should be cleaner.

I shouldn’t eat this.

I should do more...

Apparently, whatever I was doing, my brain had suggestions. Very few of them came with a “Hey, you’re doing alright.”

During my training at Canada Coach Academy, we explored an exercise called The Should Detox. It invited us to notice how “should” felt, then experiment with language that opened up possibility, choice, and a connection to what we actually wanted.

That exercise connected with something I’ve been working on throughout my own mental health journey: paying attention to the expectations I carry and how I speak to myself when I don’t meet them.

Even now, I still catch myself using that word. The difference is that I notice it. And when I notice it, I have an opportunity to pause and rephrase.

Sometimes. I’m still human.

What I’ve come to understand is how quietly shame and guilt can build in the background. For me, so many of those “shoulds” carried the same unspoken message:

I’m not enough as I am.

A messy house became evidence that I wasn’t doing enough. A food choice became something to judge myself for. There was always some imaginary version of me who was more organized, more disciplined, and somehow keeping up with everything.

She sounds exhausting. I’m not sure I’d enjoy her company.

Some of those expectations came from the world around me. Others came from people who loved me deeply and had no intention of causing harm.

My mom is an example of that.

She grew up as a bigger girl and experienced bullying. Because of those experiences, she introduced my sister and me to diet culture and weight loss at a very young age. Her intention was to protect us. She wanted to spare us the pain she had endured.

I can understand that love and still acknowledge the impact.

Those early messages planted powerful “shoulds.” We should be smaller. We should be more disciplined. We should always be working toward some supposedly better version of ourselves.

Shame wasn’t her goal. But for me, those messages became part of an internal monologue that could be painfully harsh.

Recognizing that has helped me understand where some of my self-talk came from. It has also given me something to question.

Do I actually believe this? Is this something I want? Whose expectation am I trying to meet?

Unlearning expectations that have been around for most of your life can feel overwhelming. I’ve found it starts with small moments: catching a word, getting curious about it, and finding a response that feels kinder and more honest.

“I should have a cleaner house” might become, “I’d like my space to feel more manageable. What do I have the capacity to do today?”

“I should do more” might become, “What actually needs my attention, and what can wait?”

And “I should be better” can become:

“I’m allowed to grow.”

I want that new language to be believable, too. I don’t need to pretend I’m excited about every task on my list. Some things are responsibilities. Some things are difficult. I can acknowledge that and still give myself room to choose how I approach them.

That’s something I value in coaching: space to explore the expectations we’ve accepted, what matters to us now, and what we want to do with that awareness.

For me, the practice is ongoing. I still have “should” moments. Noticing one is a chance to respond differently, even if I’ve said the same thing to myself a thousand times before.

So here’s a question to sit with:

What’s one “should” you keep telling yourself, and what would you say if you included your actual needs, values, and capacity in the conversation?

You’re allowed to grow. You’re also allowed to give yourself some credit while you’re doing it.

Tegan