Clean Language, Real Connection, and a Good Nerd-Out

After completing the Clean Language Inventory challenge in my coaching training, I started noticing conversation habits everywhere.

The metaphors. The interruptions. The one-sided conversations. The “me too!” stories. The interruption that somehow becomes a whole separate conversation before the original person has finished their sentence.

Once I started paying attention, there was a lot to notice, including in myself.

The challenge asked us to reflect on everyday conversations with friends, family, or colleagues. Who had room to speak? Were we asking questions? Was there space for silence? Did each person feel heard?

It reminded me how differently we approach conversation, and how easily good intentions can get tangled up in the delivery.

Sometimes we share a similar experience because we want someone to feel less alone. Sometimes we offer advice because we care. Sometimes we get excited and start talking before the other person has finished.

And sometimes we’ve prepared our response so thoroughly that we’ve missed what they were actually saying.

I’m learning to notice when that happens.

Clean language, as we’ve been practising it in coaching, involves paying close attention to the client’s own words and exploring their meaning while keeping my assumptions out of the way as much as possible.

If someone says they feel “stuck,” I might have a very clear picture of what stuck feels like to me. But their experience could be completely different.

Getting curious about their words gives them room to describe it for themselves. I don’t need to fill in the details before they’ve had a chance to discover or share them.

That’s something I’ve come to appreciate deeply about coaching: being able to offer someone space where their experience can have my full attention.

They can finish a thought. Sit with a question. Change their mind halfway through an answer. Explore something without the conversation immediately turning toward my opinion or a story about the time I experienced something vaguely similar.

There’s something meaningful about being heard that way.

Exchanging coaching with my classmates has helped me appreciate it from both sides. It’s been an honour to build those relationships, and I’ve repeatedly come away feeling rejuvenated and motivated.

Those experiences have also sparked a desire for more connection in other parts of my life.

Because I love a good back-and-forth conversation, too.

I love sharing experiences, finding a mutual interest, and watching a conversation take a completely unexpected turn because someone mentions the exact thing you’ve been wanting to talk about.

Sometimes a “me too!” opens a door. A shared story helps us understand each other. A conversation gets animated because both people are excited to be there.

Sometimes, it’s just fun to blab and nerd out.

I don’t want every friendship conversation to become a coaching session. I value having space to share my own experiences and hear someone else’s, to laugh, exchange ideas, and enjoy that mutual connection.

This exercise helped me appreciate both kinds of conversation more clearly.

In coaching, I’m responsible for keeping the focus on the client and what they want to explore. In friendship, there’s room for the conversation to belong to both of us. And in either setting, I can pay attention to whether the other person has room to participate.

That’s the awareness I want to carry forward.

Before jumping in, I can pause and consider: have they finished? Am I curious about what they mean? Is my story welcome here? Have I made space for theirs?

I won’t get it right every time. I’ll still get excited. My brain will still make connections at inconvenient speeds. But noticing gives me a chance to respond with a little more intention.

Here’s a question to take into your next conversation:

What helps you feel heard, and how do you make room for the other person to feel heard, too?

Clean language is an absolute powerhouse in my coaching toolbox.

And sometimes, the conversation calls for a good nerd-out. 😉

Tegan