Self-Reflection, Silence, and My Advice Monster

Self-reflection has always come fairly naturally to me. I’m curious about why I do things, how I respond, and what I can learn from an experience.

In my younger years, that curiosity sometimes turned into replaying a conversation far too many times and examining every possible meaning behind something I said.

Very thorough. Not always useful.

Over time, I’ve been learning how to make that reflection more constructive. I want to understand what happened, recognize what worked, and find something I can carry forward. I can spend hours picking apart a moment, but eventually I need to ask: What am I actually learning here?

During my coaching training, a self-reflection exercise gave me an opportunity to look at my sessions with that question in mind.

At the time, I’d participated in several coaching sessions over the course of a week. With each one, the process was starting to feel more natural and comfortable. I could recognize that progress while also noticing a few areas I wanted to develop.

First up: the advice monster.

Mine means well. It has ideas. Sometimes several, and it would really like to share them.

When someone talks about a challenge, it can feel natural to offer something that might help. From my perspective, a suggestion might seem simple or practical. But I’m learning to pause before assuming my idea belongs in their process.

The client has their own experiences, priorities, and understanding of their life. Offering a solution too quickly can interrupt an insight they were still finding their way toward.

That’s something I want to stay aware of in my coaching. I want to ask questions that help someone explore their own thinking and give them time to answer.

Which brings me to silence.

There can be a moment after asking a question when my brain starts wondering whether I need to explain it, rephrase it, or add something else.

Possibly all three.

But the person in front of me may simply be thinking. If I fill every pause, I’m taking up space they could have used to process.

One of my intentions coming out of this reflection was to build a wider range of questions and become more comfortable allowing that quiet. I also want to stay present enough to notice when someone needs time and when it would help to check in.

Another area that stood out was my wording and delivery.

Sometimes I start speaking while my thoughts are still assembling themselves. I’ll interrupt my own sentence, change direction halfway through, or trail off before landing the point.

Then comes: “I hope that made sense.”

Or its slightly less confident cousin: “Did that make sense at all?”

Checking for understanding matters to me. What I noticed, though, was that I sometimes used those phrases because I felt uncertain about my own delivery. I was asking the other person to respond to that uncertainty as well as whatever I’d just said.

I want to take more ownership of my words.

For me, that means allowing myself a moment to think before speaking. Asking one clear question. Finishing a thought without immediately apologizing for it. And being willing to clarify when needed.

I can ask, “How does that fit with your experience?” and leave room for the person to tell me I’ve understood, or that I’ve missed something.

There’s confidence in being clear, and there’s confidence in being open to correction. I want to keep developing both.

What I appreciated about this exercise was that it also asked me to recognize my strengths. That matters. A reflection that only collects mistakes can start sounding suspiciously like the inner critic wearing a professional-development badge.

I was becoming more comfortable. I was noticing my habits. I was identifying specific things to practice.

Those are things worth acknowledging.

This is part of what ongoing learning looks like for me as a coach: paying attention to how I show up, being honest about what needs work, and giving myself a practical next step.

Here’s a question you can take into your own reflection:

When you look back on an experience, can you name something that worked alongside something you’d like to try differently?

I’m practicing that too.

And giving the advice monster something useful to do: listen.

Tegan